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THE MAD BARRON
​Perhaps
Perhaps the first thing I need to address is my missing muse. I feel the emptiness, the lack of creativity and drive, however it is in this prolonged absence that I am left reeling for a purpose. Food tastes like ash, conversations seem dull, all my usual activities seem like a waste of energy (even if I am making progress).
This has been the longest I can remember, or perhaps the most agonizing of spans, of where my muse has not visited me, has not offered me inspiration. I am beginning to think it is something I have done yet, perhaps, it is what I am not doing. Maybe the routine and relationships I am focused on are what has distracted me, made me content. Even my dreams feel empty...when I have them.
I am at a precipice and I feel hopelessly lost, something I have not felt for a great while. I have strived go build what it is I am and what I have but now... now it all seems void of life. It’s as if the fire within has burned out and I am left cold, frozen inside, trapped behind eyes that show no despair, no inkling of the pain inside.
Of all those to lose or become distant, my muse has affected me the worst. I now yearn for her to return more than I do lost friends for she has been there through thick and thin, always giving me a life raft during tumultuous times. Yet, having pushed myself to be more self sufficient, more resilient on my own, learning to swim free, I feel that those actions have actually separated us. All this freedom and I am isolated, a king staring out from his castle upon a barren land. I am reminded of Dracula roaming his old grounds, despite all his power he was but a ghost, a monster to those outside those walls.
Like a pilot, the vessel I embody seems foreign, separate from myself. I am within yet the exterior is hardened and unmoving without my input. It has become quite exhausting to move this machine, like trying to operate a coal powered train by yourself, navigating a world where others seem linked or better designed to operate.
I miss the birds and the animals, the sun and the warm breeze. Winter has failed me and the melancholy it has brought has only compounded this feeling. Everything feels... well, it doesn’t. I touch things and feel pain but the relevance, the importance, is unimportant. Oh, how I yearn to look upon the mountains, to hear the rivers running, to see that bountiful star filled sky of the desert. I am stuck but action frightens me, it deters me, every action seems wrong. I’ve lost my muse and now I’m losing my mind.
I am restless and somehow unmotivated at the same time. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I desire for something different, I have worked to change things, but this is torment. What tiles that have fallen that lead me here must be undone yet I know not of where to start. What do I change? What do I let go? How can I break free from this grey cage I have found myself in?
Regardless, the point remains: I’m tired and lost. So, I will begin the work needed to rouse my muse and conquer this slump, whatever this is. Perhaps a walkabout? Perhaps a new hobby? Perhaps simply drinking a cup of delicious coffee will set things right. We will just have to see... Here’s to each of our own trials and tribulations. May we each find that fire and master how to wield it.

Home
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Copyright All Original Works © 2015 - 2020
  • Blog
  • The Immortal Crew
    • I: Dark Waters
  • The Edge
    • Officer Night
    • Masked Murder >
      • Part One: The Tape
      • Part Two: Viewer Discretion Advised
      • So Many Ways
    • Faith and Fire
    • Strangers
    • Strangers PT. II
    • The Gatekeepers
    • MADNESS >
      • Perhaps
      • I Feel It
      • Strangeness
      • Wounded
      • Angry
      • My Mind
      • Unable To Sleep
      • Another Night
      • Not Well
      • Stay Busy
    • The Revolver
    • The Hornet's Nest (TALON)
    • The Pilgrim >
      • Volcanic Ruins
      • Shadows
    • The Chained Gargoyle
    • No Escape
  • Audio Madness
    • Metal Dreams
  • Poems
    • Grab The Blade
    • A Dark Shape Slips Away
    • GIANTS
    • The Starless
    • The Monster
    • We Beasts
    • Betrayed
    • Let Play That Rotten Song
    • Burn Forever
    • Wander & Wonder
    • Bones Of The Wolf
    • Siren's Call
    • From Below To Bear
    • Waking Curse
    • The Path
    • Why Must I Be
    • Worn
    • Big Game
    • Who Owns The Elements
    • Sea Hunter
    • Wrecker of Realms
    • Barbarian Series >
      • Barbarian Son
      • White Island of Fire
      • Vengeance
      • The Coastal Lord
      • From The Throes Of Ancient Dwellings
      • The Warden
  • Rambling
    • The First Trek (Part One)
    • The First Trek (Part Two)
    • Breakfast At A Waterfall
    • Deep Fork Boardwalk
    • Redbud Valley
    • Keystone Ancient Forest
    • Robber's Cave
  • The Shooting Gallery
    • Photos: Still Carnage
    • Videos: First Wave
    • Videos: Second Assault
    • Videos: Third Operation
    • Operation Austin
    • Operation Handsome Maniacs
  • Dark Conspiracies
    • Strange Happenings >
      • Fading Light
      • Exodus
      • Thy Name
      • Bargaining
    • Agents >
      • Some Thing Between
      • Black Flames
      • Vendors
      • Wolves
      • Toxic Illusions
      • Missing
      • The Man In The Chair
  • Baleful
    • Behind The Face Of An Angel
    • Sunken Sorrow
    • A Legend In The Flesh
    • Altars & Acolytes
    • Signs On The Wall
    • Risen
  • Deathwatch
    • The Kill-Team
    • Mission I: Watch Station Belissar
    • Mission II: Tooth For A Tooth
    • Mission III: The Spire
    • Mission IV: Rescue
    • Mission V: Infestation
    • Mission VI: Heresy
    • Mission VII: Changes
    • Mission VIII: Hidden
  • DC Universe
    • The Test
    • Fear & Hatred
    • Chasing The Reaper
    • Blood
    • The Shrine of the Falling Star
  • Robot Chronicles
    • Vessels >
      • Awaken
    • The Hero
    • Reflections
    • Red
  • Soul Journeys
    • Restless
    • Temple
    • Shelter
    • Hunger
  • Long Tracks for Long Treks