Perhaps
Perhaps the first thing I need to address is my missing muse. I feel the emptiness, the lack of creativity and drive, however it is in this prolonged absence that I am left reeling for a purpose. Food tastes like ash, conversations seem dull, all my usual activities seem like a waste of energy (even if I am making progress).
This has been the longest I can remember, or perhaps the most agonizing of spans, of where my muse has not visited me, has not offered me inspiration. I am beginning to think it is something I have done yet, perhaps, it is what I am not doing. Maybe the routine and relationships I am focused on are what has distracted me, made me content. Even my dreams feel empty...when I have them.
I am at a precipice and I feel hopelessly lost, something I have not felt for a great while. I have strived go build what it is I am and what I have but now... now it all seems void of life. It’s as if the fire within has burned out and I am left cold, frozen inside, trapped behind eyes that show no despair, no inkling of the pain inside.
Of all those to lose or become distant, my muse has affected me the worst. I now yearn for her to return more than I do lost friends for she has been there through thick and thin, always giving me a life raft during tumultuous times. Yet, having pushed myself to be more self sufficient, more resilient on my own, learning to swim free, I feel that those actions have actually separated us. All this freedom and I am isolated, a king staring out from his castle upon a barren land. I am reminded of Dracula roaming his old grounds, despite all his power he was but a ghost, a monster to those outside those walls.
Like a pilot, the vessel I embody seems foreign, separate from myself. I am within yet the exterior is hardened and unmoving without my input. It has become quite exhausting to move this machine, like trying to operate a coal powered train by yourself, navigating a world where others seem linked or better designed to operate.
I miss the birds and the animals, the sun and the warm breeze. Winter has failed me and the melancholy it has brought has only compounded this feeling. Everything feels... well, it doesn’t. I touch things and feel pain but the relevance, the importance, is unimportant. Oh, how I yearn to look upon the mountains, to hear the rivers running, to see that bountiful star filled sky of the desert. I am stuck but action frightens me, it deters me, every action seems wrong. I’ve lost my muse and now I’m losing my mind.
I am restless and somehow unmotivated at the same time. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I desire for something different, I have worked to change things, but this is torment. What tiles that have fallen that lead me here must be undone yet I know not of where to start. What do I change? What do I let go? How can I break free from this grey cage I have found myself in?
Regardless, the point remains: I’m tired and lost. So, I will begin the work needed to rouse my muse and conquer this slump, whatever this is. Perhaps a walkabout? Perhaps a new hobby? Perhaps simply drinking a cup of delicious coffee will set things right. We will just have to see... Here’s to each of our own trials and tribulations. May we each find that fire and master how to wield it.
Perhaps the first thing I need to address is my missing muse. I feel the emptiness, the lack of creativity and drive, however it is in this prolonged absence that I am left reeling for a purpose. Food tastes like ash, conversations seem dull, all my usual activities seem like a waste of energy (even if I am making progress).
This has been the longest I can remember, or perhaps the most agonizing of spans, of where my muse has not visited me, has not offered me inspiration. I am beginning to think it is something I have done yet, perhaps, it is what I am not doing. Maybe the routine and relationships I am focused on are what has distracted me, made me content. Even my dreams feel empty...when I have them.
I am at a precipice and I feel hopelessly lost, something I have not felt for a great while. I have strived go build what it is I am and what I have but now... now it all seems void of life. It’s as if the fire within has burned out and I am left cold, frozen inside, trapped behind eyes that show no despair, no inkling of the pain inside.
Of all those to lose or become distant, my muse has affected me the worst. I now yearn for her to return more than I do lost friends for she has been there through thick and thin, always giving me a life raft during tumultuous times. Yet, having pushed myself to be more self sufficient, more resilient on my own, learning to swim free, I feel that those actions have actually separated us. All this freedom and I am isolated, a king staring out from his castle upon a barren land. I am reminded of Dracula roaming his old grounds, despite all his power he was but a ghost, a monster to those outside those walls.
Like a pilot, the vessel I embody seems foreign, separate from myself. I am within yet the exterior is hardened and unmoving without my input. It has become quite exhausting to move this machine, like trying to operate a coal powered train by yourself, navigating a world where others seem linked or better designed to operate.
I miss the birds and the animals, the sun and the warm breeze. Winter has failed me and the melancholy it has brought has only compounded this feeling. Everything feels... well, it doesn’t. I touch things and feel pain but the relevance, the importance, is unimportant. Oh, how I yearn to look upon the mountains, to hear the rivers running, to see that bountiful star filled sky of the desert. I am stuck but action frightens me, it deters me, every action seems wrong. I’ve lost my muse and now I’m losing my mind.
I am restless and somehow unmotivated at the same time. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I desire for something different, I have worked to change things, but this is torment. What tiles that have fallen that lead me here must be undone yet I know not of where to start. What do I change? What do I let go? How can I break free from this grey cage I have found myself in?
Regardless, the point remains: I’m tired and lost. So, I will begin the work needed to rouse my muse and conquer this slump, whatever this is. Perhaps a walkabout? Perhaps a new hobby? Perhaps simply drinking a cup of delicious coffee will set things right. We will just have to see... Here’s to each of our own trials and tribulations. May we each find that fire and master how to wield it.