My mind is in a peculiar state, or rather, a precipice, hinging on decisions and ideas with outcomes unclear. I have scaled back to help myself recoup, making sacrifices so that I can have excess later, to be comfortable at least. Beyond work and the gym, which consist of five days and the majority of my hours awake, I have been focused on a single outsource. It is both hobby and entertainment yet I use hobby lightly because that would technically suit writing or weightlifting better. Regardless, it has been my primary source of challenge and excitement as of late, and I have delved deep on this investment. It seems that my training mentality has evolved, adapted to more than just one simple practice. Now, I hone in on something, give it more attention. Obsession would be a good word. Healthy though, always a purpose. This outlet means I save money by only partaking of one form of pleasure while also providing me the most out of my dollar. I did the math.
Wow. I just now realized how boring and unimportant this portion of my story is...well, I'm leaving it in in hopes that you understand this sentence being the transition from normal to something deeper, off kilter from average.
What I was trying to get to is that the solitary focus has actually left me feeling kind of empty, even though I feel as if I have great willpower and am accomplishing much, there is a void beginning to grow from it. My routine, the same. My hobbies, the same. Even my food, the same (thank you gym obsession). While I may seem driven, and that is what I want to be, there seems to be a cost to go along with it. Nothing in this world is free, understand? As much as I am improving in all aspects of my being, there are portions that become neglected. Earlier, I was going to say that I was standing at a fork in the river, looking out upon the vast scape, bewildered by its majesty, it's simplicity yet depth. But the view is not what is important, it is the fork that awaits my attention. Along the same lines, lets say I had to choose a path, it doesn't matter which. As I journey down one, investing all of my energy and time, the opposite portion dries up, wilts away, leaves behind a new landscape, killing the old and awaiting what will be. That is the most accurate way to imagine how I feel, with all this new power I have sapped away from other sources, and now the emptiness comes. I killed that river, for good purpose, I nearly drowned in it, full of wild animals trying to befriend me then chew on my bones, trees surrounding me that shelter creatures waiting to snatch me away. Drowning, betrayed by my surroundings, I damned up that stream and set fire to the wicked woods, forging a new raft and paddling along a new path. I can see it though, the other path, the one I cut off and no longer feed, it is sad now, different now that I can see it clearly, without water or foliage. It's a clean slate now, a place for me to build upon if I should so choose. But I know, unseen in the soil, hides the old threats. That is, if I don't take care to avoid how I journey this time, what I nurture, what animals I let wander into my land.
Always before sleep, always late in the hour, after so many hours of focus, my thoughts well up, waiting patiently, quickly presenting themselves when given the chance though. These ramblings are necessary if my body and mind are to survive together. We still haven't decided on the spirit aspect, may not figure that one out until we've left this world. Won't worry about it too much, at least, tonight we won't. For now, I ponder in this other path, scared to deviate from this bountiful one, knowing disaster to hold the other all the more often. For now, this is only consideration, yet I know my mind is needing answers, some form of action, and I fear for all of us if we commit and we are wrong.
Wow. I just now realized how boring and unimportant this portion of my story is...well, I'm leaving it in in hopes that you understand this sentence being the transition from normal to something deeper, off kilter from average.
What I was trying to get to is that the solitary focus has actually left me feeling kind of empty, even though I feel as if I have great willpower and am accomplishing much, there is a void beginning to grow from it. My routine, the same. My hobbies, the same. Even my food, the same (thank you gym obsession). While I may seem driven, and that is what I want to be, there seems to be a cost to go along with it. Nothing in this world is free, understand? As much as I am improving in all aspects of my being, there are portions that become neglected. Earlier, I was going to say that I was standing at a fork in the river, looking out upon the vast scape, bewildered by its majesty, it's simplicity yet depth. But the view is not what is important, it is the fork that awaits my attention. Along the same lines, lets say I had to choose a path, it doesn't matter which. As I journey down one, investing all of my energy and time, the opposite portion dries up, wilts away, leaves behind a new landscape, killing the old and awaiting what will be. That is the most accurate way to imagine how I feel, with all this new power I have sapped away from other sources, and now the emptiness comes. I killed that river, for good purpose, I nearly drowned in it, full of wild animals trying to befriend me then chew on my bones, trees surrounding me that shelter creatures waiting to snatch me away. Drowning, betrayed by my surroundings, I damned up that stream and set fire to the wicked woods, forging a new raft and paddling along a new path. I can see it though, the other path, the one I cut off and no longer feed, it is sad now, different now that I can see it clearly, without water or foliage. It's a clean slate now, a place for me to build upon if I should so choose. But I know, unseen in the soil, hides the old threats. That is, if I don't take care to avoid how I journey this time, what I nurture, what animals I let wander into my land.
Always before sleep, always late in the hour, after so many hours of focus, my thoughts well up, waiting patiently, quickly presenting themselves when given the chance though. These ramblings are necessary if my body and mind are to survive together. We still haven't decided on the spirit aspect, may not figure that one out until we've left this world. Won't worry about it too much, at least, tonight we won't. For now, I ponder in this other path, scared to deviate from this bountiful one, knowing disaster to hold the other all the more often. For now, this is only consideration, yet I know my mind is needing answers, some form of action, and I fear for all of us if we commit and we are wrong.