Hidden Mechanisms

11/26/2018

I find myself deep in thought this evening, curiously focused on the hidden mechanics of the world. Of the energies and the ways they manifest. Do we will it because we want it so or does a thing exist strictly beyond ourselves, an imprint of old energies or misguided powers? All these thoughts that drive me mad with restless contemplativeness, unrelenting until I break the spell I find myself under. Why do I drive myself to decipher such ridiculous things? The animal in me needs only eat and sleep to feel satiated however the insatiable civilized portion of myself is a void in comparison. It hungers only for more, no amount of knowledge is enough, no matter how distracting or irrelevant...or worse, detrimental. I have been moving towards breaking myself of it’s needs and habits, always wanting me to pursue things that will lead me astray or waste my energy, and I am so very tired. I seek simplicity, solace, solitude yet this burdensome beast that lurks within arises and leaves me with little rest. It is laced within my very being and we shall not be loosed from one another until our energies are untethered from this vessel. I know not whether it has been with me since the beginning or if it found a way during my journey to attach itself to me, seep inside, draining me like a parasite. I cannot reason with it and being aware of it only makes it stronger and more agitated. Perhaps it is simply depression...but perhaps not. I know not what to call it and care little for it’s games. It fills my head with these incessant thoughts, wretched dreams, and too many distractions.

I am learning to be more aware of illusions, whether spawned from my own mind or from another’s, I no longer have interest in all things. It is too vast and timeless for my mortal form so I must choose the things most dear to me such as my happiness and my own progress. I can no longer offer my best to all things especially considering the weight of my own worth in the eyes of myself and what the world seems sufficient to return. My candle may able to light others yet if I burn brighter and hotter than the others then I shall burn out. All of our candles are different though...perhaps I am meant to burn that way? This is exactly the kind of crazed thinking I was mentioning...trying to avoid the trap I fell within it. I lose sleep and rest because of this beast that tempts me, makes me question and doubt. It’s madness and all I can do is shake my head. And now I’m tired from this ordeal so I will sleep, the void within pleased for the moment allowing me a brief respite before the next episode.

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THE MAD BARRON

QUOTES I ADMIRE
"A wilderness, in contrast with those areas where man and his own works dominate the landscape, is an area where the earth and its community of life are untrammeled by man, where man himself is a visitor who does not remain." - from the Wilderness Act, 1964

"I owe my solitude to other people." - ALAN WATTS

“I think I could turn and live with the animals, they are so placid and self contained;
I stand and look at them long and long.
They do not sweat and whine about their condition;
They do not lie awake in the dark and weep for their sins;
They do not make me sick discussing their duty to God;
Not one is dissatisfied-not one is demented with the mania of owning things;
Not one kneels to another, nor his kind that lived thousands of years ago;
Not one is responsible or industrious over the whole earth.”
― Walt Whitman

"In the ancient world, people placed heavy stones on the graves of the dead so their souls would not wander and inflict the living. I always thought this was simply the practice of superstitious and primitive people. But I was about to learn that the dead can hover on the edge of our vision with the density and luminosity of mist, and their claim on the earth can be as legitimate and tenacious as our own."

- Dave Robicheaux (In The Electric Mist With Confederate Dead)