ANGRY
That old familiar feeling, heat clouding my mind, making me uncomfortable, uncontrollable. Anger feeding anger, angry that I am angry, angry about pointless, stupid things. I had surpassed this, or so I thought. A twinge of depression trailing behind, weakness trying to overtake me, all the while I fight on, tell myself it’s ridiculous, indulging in things that make me happy, distract me, or even laughing at oneself. This one is hard, because it is not alone. No one solitary incident is boiling this water, beginning as a simmer and gaining power with time, cooking me into madness. I tire of others, no longer caring for their problems, their presence. I am wicked monster in this state, even disgusted with myself for lacking the ability to regain control. I need some time, alone, away from everyone else’s demands or remarks, all of them trying to impose on me, imprint what they want. What about what I want? Nobody seems to mind what my needs and concerns are so long as they get what they want. Yet, whenever I do the same thing, I am damned, judged for this way of life, appalling them with my behavior. Wretched hypocrites. They pester and provoke me then are surprised when I bite back or roar. It just seems to me that I am the only company I need on a regular basis. I forgo my usual routine to spend time with them, try to alter my schedule for them, but it’s not enough, or wrong. I feel broken, an object that somehow exists but does not belong in this world, always seeming to be on an island watching others, an outsider, a rogue creature caught up in the world of others. I am overextended from trying to make them happy, help them, please them. Where is my help? The concern? These questions truly remind me that I am indeed alone. No matter the outcome, I will end up alone. I seem to either sabotage everything around me from lack of response or appreciation, or I am marooned because I give too much, living without so that I can offer others more. Yet, I thought being generous and kind, giving, were positive qualities? Perhaps I expect too much? I seem to be lost once again, chuckling at myself for thinking I even had a remote idea as to what I was doing. I need time to banish these thoughts, calm myself, forget about what I think I know, ease my troubled mind, which is poisoning my soul and body with self destructive ideas and manic fantasies. I am sure I hate myself far more than any other person, being my own worst enemy and all. I try to fire up my spirit, push on, bring about that animal inside that can handle this world that seems to want to crush me. Winning is only temporary, life sucker punching me or jabbing concurrently. I let my guard down, forgot I was in a fight, but I will not admit defeat. I will rest, cut my bruises and wounds to alleviate the blood and stress, get my focus back, grit my teeth, and cause more chaos than can be thrown at me. I will hammer my fists and strike hard, use my head, stagger the world, stun it for once. I am a beast when backed into a corner, deadly and deceptive. Deep, steady breaths now. Rehydrate. Punish my foe harder than it can barrage me. I am angry, and now it’s under my control.
That old familiar feeling, heat clouding my mind, making me uncomfortable, uncontrollable. Anger feeding anger, angry that I am angry, angry about pointless, stupid things. I had surpassed this, or so I thought. A twinge of depression trailing behind, weakness trying to overtake me, all the while I fight on, tell myself it’s ridiculous, indulging in things that make me happy, distract me, or even laughing at oneself. This one is hard, because it is not alone. No one solitary incident is boiling this water, beginning as a simmer and gaining power with time, cooking me into madness. I tire of others, no longer caring for their problems, their presence. I am wicked monster in this state, even disgusted with myself for lacking the ability to regain control. I need some time, alone, away from everyone else’s demands or remarks, all of them trying to impose on me, imprint what they want. What about what I want? Nobody seems to mind what my needs and concerns are so long as they get what they want. Yet, whenever I do the same thing, I am damned, judged for this way of life, appalling them with my behavior. Wretched hypocrites. They pester and provoke me then are surprised when I bite back or roar. It just seems to me that I am the only company I need on a regular basis. I forgo my usual routine to spend time with them, try to alter my schedule for them, but it’s not enough, or wrong. I feel broken, an object that somehow exists but does not belong in this world, always seeming to be on an island watching others, an outsider, a rogue creature caught up in the world of others. I am overextended from trying to make them happy, help them, please them. Where is my help? The concern? These questions truly remind me that I am indeed alone. No matter the outcome, I will end up alone. I seem to either sabotage everything around me from lack of response or appreciation, or I am marooned because I give too much, living without so that I can offer others more. Yet, I thought being generous and kind, giving, were positive qualities? Perhaps I expect too much? I seem to be lost once again, chuckling at myself for thinking I even had a remote idea as to what I was doing. I need time to banish these thoughts, calm myself, forget about what I think I know, ease my troubled mind, which is poisoning my soul and body with self destructive ideas and manic fantasies. I am sure I hate myself far more than any other person, being my own worst enemy and all. I try to fire up my spirit, push on, bring about that animal inside that can handle this world that seems to want to crush me. Winning is only temporary, life sucker punching me or jabbing concurrently. I let my guard down, forgot I was in a fight, but I will not admit defeat. I will rest, cut my bruises and wounds to alleviate the blood and stress, get my focus back, grit my teeth, and cause more chaos than can be thrown at me. I will hammer my fists and strike hard, use my head, stagger the world, stun it for once. I am a beast when backed into a corner, deadly and deceptive. Deep, steady breaths now. Rehydrate. Punish my foe harder than it can barrage me. I am angry, and now it’s under my control.